Large groups have their performative aspect too. You have to laugh at the right times and join in what sociologists refer to as social grooming. Among humans, gossip is one common form of social grooming.
Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist, made some very interesting observations in Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language, suggesting that gossip, or “vocal grooming,” played an important part in the evolution of the human species, allowing us to live in larger social groups compared to other primates. But for many women, this “cost” feels like just too much.
If you are that person who experiences a kind of personal “cringe” whenever the topic drifts to the personal matters of others, then you will discover yourself becoming an outsider in those particular social settings.
You are not judgmental but rather place importance on integrity more than getting a quick high through finding common ground to bond with others. Once you are no longer partaking in the currency of gossip, you have in effect withdrawn from most social situations.
3. High levels of “socioemotional selectivity”
The feeling that life gives us an increasingly acute sense of our own “limited time” – this is the essence of Socioemotional Selectivity Theory (SST), proposed by Laura Carstensen, a professor at Stanford University. The gist of the SST is that as individuals feel more acutely the finitude of their time, they prioritize building emotional connections over exploring their world.
Although this idea applies mainly to older people, many women develop such a condition early on. Women recognize the limitations of social energy. If you don’t have too many friends, then you definitely think of your social energy bank account literally. You are not amassing your social contacts. You want to gain a return on your investment – not selfishly, but in terms of soul satisfaction. It would be more rewarding to spend five hours with one person who understands you than spend one hour with each of five acquaintances who know you only in the party version.
4. The autonomy “comfort zone”
Being alone and feeling lonely are entirely different things, but unfortunately, society tends to confuse the two all the time. Women with fewer friends are characterized by having high autonomy, one of the three key components of Self-Determination Theory (SDT).